Hi Friends. It has been a good 3 and a half weeks, full of sun, swimming, chasing bunnies, and all of those important summer things. Some days I even feel like I'm having a normal pregnancy. Now I find my heart feeling like it's ticking down until our next doctor's appointment. I love our doctor and seeing Evie on ultrasound, but it's a very real reminder of her condition and what the future holds for her if miraculous healing doesn't occur.
We have had some good time to prepare, which is a blessing because I'm already feeling a creeping sadness as I realize how fast the first 25 weeks of pregnancy have gone, and how fast the last 12 are going to go. We met again with the funeral director two Fridays ago to discuss how we would like the service to go, and the process that Evie will go through getting from the hospital to the service. When I am at these meetings I experience sort of a surreal presence. Faced with death we have been able to make decisions that we think are best for us and for our family without falling to pieces. It is only through God's grace and provision I could even approach the funeral home let alone make plans. It is also a blessing knowing she will be buried alongside some of our family members, and we can join her someday.
We met with the "comfort care" nurse at the hospital yesterday, which also went well. She is very kind and wants to make our time with Evie "as memorable as possible" for us. We may deliver on the "high risk" side of the labor and delivery floor, as there are fewer mothers and babies there and it would be a quieter place to spend our time. We also met the social worker who would help with care if Evie does get to come home with us. If she needs hospice care or visiting nurses she would help.
It seems like every time I leave an appointment I walk away with one unshakable image that I wasn't expecting to hit me so hard. This time it was when the nurse told John that sometimes it is helpful for moms who lose their babies to have something to take home with them, like a stuffed animal, so they don't have to go home without something to hold. I'll be honest with you, I don't want a stuffed animal or a blanket. I don't want a doll or anything to take her place. I want my baby girl. The thought of leaving the hospital without her in my arms is the most painful emptiness I have experienced yet.
The arrangements we have made are going to mean little to me in 3 months if my daughter is gone. It has been nice to see the hospital, meet the nurses, go to the funeral home, and take it all home in writing, but without her I can't imagine doing any of it.
I am praying harder than ever for healing. At times I truly believe with all of my heart we will see small progress at our doctor's appointment on Monday and ultimate healing in the end. It is hard to walk into the hospital, and hear Lyla's precious voice say "mommy, go see baby now" and know healing may not come. It crushes me. Blessedly God has given me the strength to really enjoy these summer days and not fall apart until Lyla goes to sleep. I like to take this time to process the emotions we are going through and prepare my heart.
If you are willing to pray for us, you could pray that God will heal Evie. Pray it, and pray it hard friends! You could pray for me that I will have peace in knowing God will carry me through the next few months and what is to follow. You can pray that I find the words and best way to explain the situation to Lyla. I am so afraid she won't understand. She is her mother's daughter and she cares so deeply for my feelings. You can pray for John that in the midst of my doctor's appointments and tears, he will pass his nursing boards in July!
Our next appointment is next Monday, June 29th. Hopefully we will have good news. Talk with you soon.
Thanks Friends, Love you. Lindsey
by the way - if you haven't seen the video on youtube called "99 Balloons" you should youtube it. It is great.