Tuesday, September 28, 2010

i left her...

on purpose.

Hi Friends,

Yes, today was a monumental day... I left Evie in the nursery. We had Tuesday morning Women's Bible study and I've been leading a discussion group for the past few weeks, and decided since Evie felt good and there are only three other babies in there, to give it a go. I'm pretty sure that one of the workers watched the 3 other kids while the second watched Evie (: I was a little frazzled before I left, and told them not to let Eve cry too hard because she would get congested and then sometimes she can't breathe. That was probably a little harsh, but when Evie starts to struggle, she goes down fast. So I guess it's better to be overly cautious! (: Anyway, they did a fantastic job, THANKS ladies!

When I got upstairs where the leaders pray before study, they kind of collectively noticed I didn't have Evie with me to which I had to quickly respond "Don't talk about it!" before a few hot tears rolled down my face. I honestly can't believe that something as small as leaving her for two hours was so hard... but I've been with her every day, every night, every hospital stay, every code, every blood draw, every poke, every scare, every everything for the past year. When I'm not holding her she typically looks around until she can find me, and even when her eyes were swollen shut after surgery in July she would wave her little arm until she felt me beside her. So the thought of her looking around and not being able to find me makes my heart hurt a little. But she also needs to know that she is going to be okay without me eventually so hopefully this will ease her into that.

So we made it through our first two hours apart, with the exception of the times John watches her, and I'll be honest, I'm still a little sad about it. Maybe it's because she's growing up. Maybe it's because she was the only 1 year old in the newborn/baby room (instead of the crawler or walker rooms). Maybe it's because I felt distant from her for the first time by choice. Maybe I'm just not ready. We'll see.

Love you friends (:


  1. I love this, because I just walked this road with Judah at TRIBE. I was a nervous wreck...like, to the point of nausea. Everything you just said rings so true for me, too. I hated it, but thought it was time to try. I also wanted to see how our lifegroup would go without my darling boy distracting those middle school girls. He lasted 45 min. & when I went to get him, I decided he didn't need to go in the nursery after all...EVER! Alright, he'll get in there eventually, but not for awhile. Anyway, just wanted you to know I hear your heart & I'm so there with you.

  2. So proud of you Lindsey. It is a big step for all parents-you're awesome!
    Yay Evie for being a brave girl and having fun playing in the nursery!

  3. It is a HUGE step. Even though David and Eloise go to daycare (we prefer to call it "school") every day, neither one of them have been to the nursery at church - ever. There's something about knowing that I can be with them and choosing not to, as opposed to having no choice about having to work, that I just can't make myself do. So - congratulations on taking that giant leap. It's one that we'll all have to do eventually - for some reason I just can't make myself.


  4. She didn't cry the whole time so that means she was ok without you, for a little bit. :) She's very brave. We left Maddy in the baby room until she could crawl which wasn't until 11 months so she was almost in there a whole year too. :) I leave her in the nursery 3 times a week and she screams the whole time! I know how you feel about worrying. :)

  5. Oh Lindsay.......this is the first time I'm reading your blog...you are inspirational and I want to SQUEEZE that little fighter of yours!!!!!

  6. From a friend of a friend of your Family in Orange,CA.
    I have followed your story since you "shower". I have 2 teens with autism, among a bunch of other medical terms to describe them. I completely understand the horrible anxiety & seperation combined with joy that all hits at the same time as your child learns to be with others (when it's been you or you and family..all the time.) Congrats to you both!

    Also, still listen to that still, small voice that tells you that something might be wrong, and you need to go check on her. Better to listen to it with others questioning you, than to not listen to it and perhaps miss a "calling".
    Also, I try to remind myself of this quote that I think was an anonymous writer: " A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are made for". It reminds have got to sometimes allow the children a chance to try something & fail or try and be successful with someone else. God will work it all for his glory.
    Keep up the good/God work.