Wednesday, July 7, 2010

the prodigal daughter...

Hi Friends (:
I've been thinking about surgery a lot lately. I decided the day it was scheduled that I wasn't going to worry about it until a few days before the actual surgery date, but I've been breaking my own rules. When Evie wakes up in the morning I let her play with her feet and talk to her blankie for a couple minutes before I pull her into bed to cuddle with me for a while. The past couple of mornings I have found myself snuggling in close, rubbing her head, and being sad. Crying. And worrying.
So I'm going to get it all out there and when I'm done, nail it to the cross. When I was at youth group at some point in my adolescence, they put a cross at the front of the church and we were challenged to take a small piece of paper and write down a sin or a burden and nail it to the cross. I didn't do it at the time because I knew the youth pastors were going to take our papers, decode them and tell our parents... but in my wise old age I'm finally getting the purpose of this exercise. And I'm burdened with worry. So here goes:

1. I'm scared to be away from Evie when she has surgery. Besides her port placement, and MRI I have been able to go with her to all of her tests and procedures. I keep picturing them taking her away from me. It will be hard. And awful. I'm scared she will be scared too.
2. I'm scared they will call Code during her surgery. She has "coded" twice... once at Children's and once at the Med Center, but I was with her both times. This time she will be with a bunch of strangers. And I'm scared.
3. I'm scared they will nick this huge vein on her head. I've been assured they will just "tie it off" whatever that means, but it's huge, and it's right about where they are going to do her incision, and I don't like it.
4. I'm scared they will damage Evie's brain. I keep worrying that she will come out of anesthesia and not be able to smile, or remember who I am. Is it likely? Probably not, but I'm if I'm going to be honest, I'm honestly scared.
5. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle watching her head swell, and be in pain.
6. I'm scared that she will have this scar, and be angry with us when she's older that we let someone operate on her head.
7. I'm scared that something will go terribly wrong. That the surgeon will walk out, take off their scrub cap, and shake their head.

Psalm 56
3 When I am afraid,
I will trust in you,
In God, whose Word I praise,
In God I trust, I will not be afraid.

I've been thinking a lot about my friends who haven't trusted Jesus as their Lord and Savior and the image of the "prodigal son" keeps coming back to me. The son who spent his inheritance on foolishness, and begged his father to let him come back to be his servant. What did the father do? He threw a feast in honor of his son. To welcome him Home. Happy that he was back. I think about the joy in Heaven, the happiness of God himself, the angels dancing when someone becomes a servant of God and comes back to the family they were meant to be a part of.

Lately, I am feeling like the prodigal daughter. I haven't spent my inheritance on women and drunkenness (ha ha), I haven't intentionally run away from God... but I so often try to take on the world by myself. I take on the weight of a situation that isn't in my hands. I don't take the time to fill my heart with God's Word because I think I'm busy. Or I'll do it tomorrow. Or I'm tired. And the result? Worry. Stress. Impatience.

So here I am God. Asking to be your servant again, to fill me with a feast of Grace, Peace, Kindness and Comfort. And you promise to take care of me... and Evie. Again. and again. and again.



  1. Thanks for posting, Lindsey. How ironic it seems that in my own busy-ness I keep hearing God whisper, "More of me, not less of me." The busier I get, the more time I need Him. I'll visit Him in the Word with you today and tomorrow,and the day after that, and the day after that... Peace to you and Evie. Prayers always.

  2. I love you dear friend!
    Thank you for sharing your heart!
    I too will continue to lift you up in prayer and join you in meeting with HIM-the Creator and Healer of all!

  3. Thank you for continuing to share your heart! I will be praying for your every worry to turn into peace and comfort as you prepare for Evie's surgery. Remember that your Great Physician has all of you wrapped up in His arms. I pray that you experience his presence in unmistakable ways this week! Love to all of you.

  4. Thank you Lindsey!!! Thank you for reminding me to "make time" for God. Thank you for reminding me that I cannot take on situations by myself. Thank you for reminding me that everything is in our Saviors hands. Thank you for your ministry. You may not realize it, but through your trials, you have blessed SO MANY (including me). Love to you and the family! My prayers and thoughts are with you as you prepare for Evie's surgery.

  5. Lindsey, there's not really anything I can say that will make you feel better...or magically ease your anxiety. That's really God's department. I just wanted to remind you that you're not alone. Not in your anxiety and fear. Not in your desire to protect your daughter. This is a huge deal; but I hope you can take comfort in the fact that God is already there, in the future, and He has already established the outcome. When I had to leave Judah in the NICU, a friend of mine told me that she used to pray for her daughter at night: Lord, please hold her when I can't. Through many tears I have said that prayer. We have to let go of our babies sometimes, but they're never alone. Wish I could be there to stop in and pray with you on Friday. We'll be in WI, but my heart will be with you and I'll be praying!