Hi Friends (:
I've been thinking about surgery a lot lately. I decided the day it was scheduled that I wasn't going to worry about it until a few days before the actual surgery date, but I've been breaking my own rules. When Evie wakes up in the morning I let her play with her feet and talk to her blankie for a couple minutes before I pull her into bed to cuddle with me for a while. The past couple of mornings I have found myself snuggling in close, rubbing her head, and being sad. Crying. And worrying.
So I'm going to get it all out there and when I'm done, nail it to the cross. When I was at youth group at some point in my adolescence, they put a cross at the front of the church and we were challenged to take a small piece of paper and write down a sin or a burden and nail it to the cross. I didn't do it at the time because I knew the youth pastors were going to take our papers, decode them and tell our parents... but in my wise old age I'm finally getting the purpose of this exercise. And I'm burdened with worry. So here goes:
1. I'm scared to be away from Evie when she has surgery. Besides her port placement, and MRI I have been able to go with her to all of her tests and procedures. I keep picturing them taking her away from me. It will be hard. And awful. I'm scared she will be scared too.
2. I'm scared they will call Code during her surgery. She has "coded" twice... once at Children's and once at the Med Center, but I was with her both times. This time she will be with a bunch of strangers. And I'm scared.
3. I'm scared they will nick this huge vein on her head. I've been assured they will just "tie it off" whatever that means, but it's huge, and it's right about where they are going to do her incision, and I don't like it.
4. I'm scared they will damage Evie's brain. I keep worrying that she will come out of anesthesia and not be able to smile, or remember who I am. Is it likely? Probably not, but I'm if I'm going to be honest, I'm honestly scared.
5. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle watching her head swell, and be in pain.
6. I'm scared that she will have this scar, and be angry with us when she's older that we let someone operate on her head.
7. I'm scared that something will go terribly wrong. That the surgeon will walk out, take off their scrub cap, and shake their head.
3 When I am afraid,
I will trust in you,
In God, whose Word I praise,
In God I trust, I will not be afraid.
I've been thinking a lot about my friends who haven't trusted Jesus as their Lord and Savior and the image of the "prodigal son" keeps coming back to me. The son who spent his inheritance on foolishness, and begged his father to let him come back to be his servant. What did the father do? He threw a feast in honor of his son. To welcome him Home. Happy that he was back. I think about the joy in Heaven, the happiness of God himself, the angels dancing when someone becomes a servant of God and comes back to the family they were meant to be a part of.
Lately, I am feeling like the prodigal daughter. I haven't spent my inheritance on women and drunkenness (ha ha), I haven't intentionally run away from God... but I so often try to take on the world by myself. I take on the weight of a situation that isn't in my hands. I don't take the time to fill my heart with God's Word because I think I'm busy. Or I'll do it tomorrow. Or I'm tired. And the result? Worry. Stress. Impatience.
So here I am God. Asking to be your servant again, to fill me with a feast of Grace, Peace, Kindness and Comfort. And you promise to take care of me... and Evie. Again. and again. and again.